July 2008
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7/14/08 04:23 pm
KABOOM!
Apparently, it's true... coming into even the most vague contact with celebrity turns you into a raving prick.
Okay, he was already raving. But still. How do you get puffed up about being... Billy Mays?!
(Tony and I think he should've been a classic Adam West Batman TV villain. The Gesture, perhaps. "In order to save Robin, Batman, you will have to take the place of ALL THESE MACHINES.")
Current Music: BILLY MAYS! HE IS ALL! HE SEES ALL!
7/8/08 03:01 pm
More original crap for the world to ignore...
I WAS A POET AND I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT
Someone decided to give the crab back its legs
And tear down the net on the tennis court
Because life was messy
And also mainly because rhyme has power:
A pattern of soundalike grunts
That suggest
truth.
Excuse me,
Truth.
So the wind rises
And so does the river
And you climb up onto the roof
And cling to nothing
And wait for no-one
And you feel a little more sane
But a lot less safe.
And very few people understand what the fuck you're screaming about
Even as they go under.
Current Music: none
6/9/08 10:53 am
*collapse*
Okay, after a long and torturous process that only took three weeks longer than it was supposed to, I'm now fully ensconsed in my new digs across town. (This is what happens when you have only two people, one of whom is crippled, and work keeps intervening. But I digress.) If I've given you the new phone number, it probably doesn't work yet, but I'll let you know when it's up... I'm at my parents' house for now, trying to catch up on work (Cox and Bellsouth both have some problems with getting me access in this condo, but I'm way too tired to go into that story now, so I have to work from here for a few more days).
Long story short (too late!): it'll be a week or so until I'm back to normal. If I'm lucky. And for certain definitions of "normal."
Hope you guys are muddling through somehow... love you!
Current Music: the fire in my brain. stabbing me
5/26/08 12:03 pm
The Number One reason you should vote for Barack Obama...
...it would, somehow, make the movie Blazing Saddles EVEN FUNNIER.
"Hey! The President is a ni-*BONG*"
"What'd he say?"
"The President is near!"
"No, goblamitdangblamit! The President is a ni-*BONG*"
(Can you see him in the Sheriff Bart outfit, with Count Basie playing? Because I know I can.) Current Music: "The Dyin' Crapshooter's Blues" (1960), Blind Willie McTell
5/16/08 03:02 pm
Yo te quiero y finito, yo te querda, oh mi corazón.
I guess by now most of you have seen the t-shirt sold by Mulligan's bar, in Marietta, GA, a suburb of Atlanta:
Just in case you doubt his intentions, know that the following slogans have been spotted on his marquee: "No habla Espanol - and never will""Democratic dilemma - a boob with nuts or a nut with boobs?""Discounts for Caucasian Escalade drivers""INS agents eat free""Undocumented my ass! They're illegal!"(What is it with Atlanta Irish pubs and The Fear?) Some people have claimed, given all this, that this t-shirt goes too far. But I maintain that it doesn't go far enough, and have created a t-shirt that accomplishes the same effect when you wear it, but with less subtlety:
Of course, you could also fight fire with fire, so I've designed two more harmless cartoon character shirts featuring Presidential candidates:
In the end, it's this guy's right to put whatever he likes on his bar or his clothing (although the Curious George people are threatening to call The Lawyer In The Big Yellow Hat). But you might also exercise your right to free speech by visiting sites that review his bar and grill and leaving your own glowing recommendations. My favorite: i went to mullgan's just once, but i will never ever go back. The owner relentless pressured me into having anal sex with him and three other men who worked in his kitchen. He assured me that my meal would be free and i have very little money so i complied. Unfortunately during the sodomy i vomited on the owner because his food poisoned me. He was very upset and then forced me to pay for my meal. also, he gave me anal snails. I highly suggest that you avoid Mulligan's.
Current Music: "Spanish Bombs," The Clash
5/9/08 11:37 am
Women be different than men!*
How Democrats Vote."Hmm. I can't decide. These candidates are both so perfect! Which color do you think looks best on me?" "Which one? They're both blue!" "Are you blind? This one is cobalt and this one is ultramarine." "Can you just pick one, for God's sake? We're gonna miss the convention!" "In a minute. Damn, I wish I could have both of them. Do you think they'd give me a deal on both of them?" "I don't know! Do you really need two?!" (sighing) "What made me think a Republican would understand." (voice over PA) "Ladies and gentlemen, the campaign is now closing. Thank you for shopping at The Donkey.""Jesus Christ! You see? Can you just pick one now so we can go?" "Fine, fine. I just hope I don't pick the wrong one." "Yeah, then I get to return it. I know." How Republicans Vote."Welcome to Elephant Depot. What can I do you for." "Yeah, I need a candidate. Whaddaya got?" "Sorry, my friend, but all I got left is this McCain." "Shit. That's it?!" "Yep. Not a good line this year." "Looks that way. (sigh) Okay, wrap it up." "You wanna try it out first, or...?" "No, I'm already screwed. I'll make do. Thanks." (At home) "Oh, my God. You're not going to wear that, are you?" "It was the only one they had, okay? Besides, it'll be fine." "It doesn't even fit you!" "Sure it does. Just get ready. The general election's almost here, and you haven't even gone looking for yours yet!" "Hahahaha! Oh, God. Look at that thing." "Fuck. Yeah, I guess I better return it." "Yeah, right. Another candidate to add to the pile in the closet. You know you still have a Goldwater in there?" " That is a classic! That's coming back!" * -- Sinbad, running from sniper fire
Current Music: "Tightrope," Electric Light Orchestra
5/7/08 12:19 pm
If it isn't already in your head on a loop...
Come on, kids! Sing along! And don't forget the harmony at the end of each line!
The OriginalEn Espanol, Por Favor  The Dance Remix(Oh, if only all commercials would be like this. I'd never need a DVR.)
Current Music: footlooooong
5/5/08 02:52 pm
Storm of the century of the week.
Financial fact
From wet situation:
LA's not even
A Third-World nation
Myanmar-Shave
4/27/08 04:15 am
Sweet Jesus Christ.
Sweet Jesus Christ... the new Portishead album.
I repeat: Sweet Jesus Christ.
I mean, your girlfriend COULD give herself to you if you put this CD on... but it'd be some weird-ass sex.
(As opposed to weird ass sex.)
Also loving the Foxy Shazam album, the new Mercury Rev, and the latest RJD2.
(You people always ask for recommendations? I'm recommending.)
4/24/08 09:07 pm
Sadly accurate.
Most of you do not need a graphic or test results to prove this, but I am apparently the most neurotic motherfucker to ever walk the face of the Earth.
My Personality
| | Neuroticism | | Extraversion | | Openness to Experience | | Agreeableness | | Conscientiousness | |
| You are not generally self conscious about yourself, however you tend to lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. You are not prone to spells of energetic high spirits. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You dislike confrontations and are perfectly willing to compromise or to deny your own needs in order to get along with others, however you generally see others as selfish, devious, and sometimes potentially dangerous. You take your time when making decisions and will deliberate on all the possible consequences and alternatives.
| Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report.
The best UGG Boots. |
4/16/08 04:59 pm
...
...*sigh*
So, I guess there's no point going into this again. You were all probably glued to CNN all day, just as I was. I thought we'd seen everything after September 11, but... well, I guess it's live and learn. Again.
Remember where you were when you heard the news, though, because future generations will ask about it... I just wish we could all come together as a people, just once, under good circumstances. Why do we always wait until something like this happens?
"Ernest Hemingway once wrote, 'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.' I agree with the second part." -- Morgan Freeman, Se7en
Current Music: none
4/14/08 01:06 am
Writer's Block: Home Alone
NO! NO! GOD! NO! PASTOR!
4/1/08 07:36 pm
On the day that she left, he died, but it did not show.
Ever feel like you just want to smoke the stickiest of the icky, put on your headphones, and listen to Neil Young's "The Loner" on a loop for hours, singing along with it at the top of your lungs the whole time?
...because that is the ONLY thing I feel like doing right now.
And so I shall.
(To all my estranged LJ friends, welcome back! I'll be posting some non-bullshit stuff soon, but not before I resume reading my flist. I learn! I get better! </manuel>) Current Mood: what I just said
Current Music: guess
3/18/08 01:32 pm
Once she's been to where she's gone to, she should know wrong from right.
Okay, ladies...
Someone special to me posted this in her journal, and I answered, so I'll post it in mine:
If you were able to spend one night with me, what 5 things would you want to do?
(Don't worry... all comments will be private and seen by no one but me.)
Current Music: "Feeling That Way," Journey (BRAH)
3/10/08 05:56 pm
I lost the one who I let inside me.
Okay, enough ranting. Let's enjoy someone else's rant for a change.
See, I was all ready to try and remind you that the immigration debate is getting simultaneously nastier and more retarded by telling you a little story about what happened to a close friend of mine.
But then a bar near the University of Pittsburgh campus put this sign in their window:
Of course, I'm gonna tell you the story anyway. Because it's still instructive. My friend is an aspiring pastry chef who works at one in a chain of bakeries. One day, a middle-aged soccer mom type came in and started wandering around through the different aisles. Eventually she marched up to the counter, where my friend is working, and tossed a dessert onto it. "What is this?" she demanded, seemingly barely holding her anger in check. "That's a tres leches cake, ma'am." "What the hell does that mean?" "It means 'three milks,' ma'am. It's made with three different kinds of milk." "Then why doesn't it just say 'three milks'? Why isn't this in English?" "Um. Because it's a Mexican dessert? That originated in Mexico?" "That doesn't matter! This is America! This should be in English!" "Ma'am, we also sell creme brulee. That's in French." "That's different. I know what that means." "OH. I see." Whereupon the customer went to the "Ethnic Aisle," where all the foreign foods are actually gathered like a immingrant ghetto, and picked up half a dozen desserts from various countries, and plopped them all on the counter at once. "I just want you to know I'm not buying any of these," she fumed. "Then why would you bring them up here?" "Because I want you to know I will never buy these. They're not in English." And then she stormed out. We all know customers can be idiots. But here's the punchline: the store's in Florida. Lower Florida. Oh, and the owner of that bar finally changed his sign:
(Notice the non-apology line at the very bottom.)
Current Music: "The Charles C. Leary," Devendra Banhart
3/9/08 11:24 am
The love bug crawls right back up and bites me. And I'm back! In love!
Yeah, I have a question... could everyone reporting the news and making the news and spinning the news in this country please stop prefacing every single explanation with the word "Look"? Seriously. I know this seems like a minor thing, but I've been noticing it for, oh, a year and a half, and it's snowballed to a point where it happens more often than a bad Family Guy flashback. Here's a fun drinking game: watch the major news networks for one day and do a shot every time someone says something like "Look, we have intelligence that Al Qaeda is planning another attack" or "Look, everyone knows that John McCain wants to keep us in Iraq." Then make a post about it. If you can.
Here's a random sampling of transcripts and the number of times the word "look," used as an intro, comes up:
Reliable Sources: 8
Lou Dobbs Tonight: 3
Real Time with Bill Maher: 5
Bill Moyers' Journal: 4
The last Democratic debate: 4
One Bill O'Reilly segment: 3
There are times when I would like someone to speak to me formally and with the voice of authority. It's bad enough that I can't get the news before noon without wading through an endless forest of chuckleheads pretending all 300 million of us are just sitting around the break room sharing our donuts. Really, you can just tell me what happened. I don't want to be your friend. I don't know you. Just tell me what blew up and who went on a kill-crazy rampage and then shoot me over to the weather guy. That would be fine. And stop saying "Look" before you explain the intricacies of the mortgage crisis or how Musharraf is clinging to power in Pakistan. I can figure it out. Promise. And if I can't, talking to me like we accidentally tapped bumpers is not gonna help.
I mean, have we at long last begun devolving into a nation of hillbillies? Talk up to me. Or at least across to me.
Current Music: "Clumsy," Fergie (proving that everyone has at least ONE song I like)
3/6/08 04:44 pm
And I cried for all the others till the day was nearly through.
Oh! I forgot to mention the best thing that happened at the bar that night...
I got carded.
(Funny how that ruins your night when you're young, and makes it when you're old.)
Current Music: "The Width Of A Circle," David Bowie
3/5/08 06:34 pm
Those who feel me near pull the blinds and change their minds.
So.
I'm torn between whinging about life, again, and just telling you something good that happened. The occurrence of the former always far outweighs the latter on this particular journal, however, so I'll just put ( this first part back here. )
So anyway! That was the long and totally unnecessary preface to me saying I actually went out Friday night. (Of course it takes the better part of a week to get around to posting about it.) I went here, for the record:
And it was awesome! Awesome-0 4000, in fact. I got toe up from the floe up. I made about a dozen new friends, because as you know, I work fast. And I Supported Local Music, namely, People On The Side, who are all also in my band. (Consider my band the sort of Wu-Tang of this group, spinning off all sorts of satellites.) Of course, I hit on the lead singer's girl, but I didn't know that's who she was. And he later introduced me to her as a "musical genius," so that was a bit of all right. It's also fun to revisit the experience of getting in your truck at 2 am and realizing it's actually SIX am. Ha. Bonus: The Bartender at Jabbajaws was at this bar, too. Just hanging out. Four years later, and he's still apologizing for me almost dying. Silly man. My problems are all homemade. Going back out on the 21st to see the band again, at a different shitty bar. But then again, all that crap about the people who hang with being important, and the place you hang at being completely irrelevant? It's all true.
Current Music: "Cat People (Putting Out Fire)," Danzig
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blackiestark's journal
numb
drained
thoughtful
grumpy
crushed
there's tea in this cup
bleh
lonely
busy
morose
exhausted
sad
anxious
rejected