Alcoholic backseat trinkets

KABOOM!

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 21:27:25 GMT

Apparently, it's true... coming into even the most vague contact with celebrity turns you into a raving prick.

Okay, he was already raving. But still. How do you get puffed up about being... Billy Mays?!

(Tony and I think he should've been a classic Adam West Batman TV villain. The Gesture, perhaps. "In order to save Robin, Batman, you will have to take the place of ALL THESE MACHINES.")

More original crap for the world to ignore...

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 20:02:36 GMT

I WAS A POET AND I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT

Someone decided to give the crab back its legs
And tear down the net on the tennis court
Because life was messy
And also mainly because rhyme has power:
A pattern of soundalike grunts
That suggest
truth.

Excuse me,
Truth.

So the wind rises
And so does the river
And you climb up onto the roof
And cling to nothing
And wait for no-one
And you feel a little more sane
But a lot less safe.

And very few people understand what the fuck you're screaming about
Even as they go under.

collapse

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 15:59:27 GMT

Okay, after a long and torturous process that only took three weeks longer than it was supposed to, I'm now fully ensconsed in my new digs across town. (This is what happens when you have only two people, one of whom is crippled, and work keeps intervening. But I digress.) If I've given you the new phone number, it probably doesn't work yet, but I'll let you know when it's up... I'm at my parents' house for now, trying to catch up on work (Cox and Bellsouth both have some problems with getting me access in this condo, but I'm way too tired to go into that story now, so I have to work from here for a few more days).

Long story short (too late!): it'll be a week or so until I'm back to normal. If I'm lucky. And for certain definitions of "normal."

Hope you guys are muddling through somehow... love you!

The Number One reason you should vote for Barack Obama...

Mon, 26 May 2008 17:26:05 GMT

...it would, somehow, make the movie Blazing Saddles EVEN FUNNIER.

"Hey! The President is a ni-*BONG*"
"What'd he say?"
"The President is near!"
"No, goblamitdangblamit! The President is a ni-*BONG*"

(Can you see him in the Sheriff Bart outfit, with Count Basie playing? Because I know I can.)

Yo te quiero y finito, yo te querda, oh mi corazón.

Fri, 16 May 2008 20:04:21 GMT

I guess by now most of you have seen the t-shirt sold by Mulligan's bar, in Marietta, GA, a suburb of Atlanta:

Just in case you doubt his intentions, know that the following slogans have been spotted on his marquee:

"No habla Espanol - and never will"
"Democratic dilemma - a boob with nuts or a nut with boobs?"
"Discounts for Caucasian Escalade drivers"
"INS agents eat free"
"Undocumented my ass! They're illegal!"

(What is it with Atlanta Irish pubs and The Fear?)

Some people have claimed, given all this, that this t-shirt goes too far. But I maintain that it doesn't go far enough, and have created a t-shirt that accomplishes the same effect when you wear it, but with less subtlety:

Of course, you could also fight fire with fire, so I've designed two more harmless cartoon character shirts featuring Presidential candidates:

In the end, it's this guy's right to put whatever he likes on his bar or his clothing (although the Curious George people are threatening to call The Lawyer In The Big Yellow Hat). But you might also exercise your right to free speech by visiting sites that review his bar and grill and leaving your own glowing recommendations. My favorite:

i went to mullgan's just once, but i will never ever go back. The owner relentless pressured me into having anal sex with him and three other men who worked in his kitchen. He assured me that my meal would be free and i have very little money so i complied. Unfortunately during the sodomy i vomited on the owner because his food poisoned me. He was very upset and then forced me to pay for my meal. also, he gave me anal snails. I highly suggest that you avoid Mulligan's.

Women be different than men!*

Fri, 09 May 2008 17:06:10 GMT

How Democrats Vote.

"Hmm. I can't decide. These candidates are both so perfect! Which color do you think looks best on me?"
"Which one? They're both blue!"
"Are you blind? This one is cobalt and this one is ultramarine."
"Can you just pick one, for God's sake? We're gonna miss the convention!"
"In a minute. Damn, I wish I could have both of them. Do you think they'd give me a deal on both of them?"
"I don't know! Do you really need two?!"
(sighing) "What made me think a Republican would understand."

(voice over PA) "Ladies and gentlemen, the campaign is now closing. Thank you for shopping at The Donkey."

"Jesus Christ! You see? Can you just pick one now so we can go?"
"Fine, fine. I just hope I don't pick the wrong one."
"Yeah, then I get to return it. I know."

How Republicans Vote.

"Welcome to Elephant Depot. What can I do you for."
"Yeah, I need a candidate. Whaddaya got?"
"Sorry, my friend, but all I got left is this McCain."
"Shit. That's it?!"
"Yep. Not a good line this year."
"Looks that way. (sigh) Okay, wrap it up."
"You wanna try it out first, or...?"
"No, I'm already screwed. I'll make do. Thanks."

(At home)

"Oh, my God. You're not going to wear that, are you?"
"It was the only one they had, okay? Besides, it'll be fine."
"It doesn't even fit you!"
"Sure it does. Just get ready. The general election's almost here, and you haven't even gone looking for yours yet!"
"Hahahaha! Oh, God. Look at that thing."
"Fuck. Yeah, I guess I better return it."
"Yeah, right. Another candidate to add to the pile in the closet. You know you still have a Goldwater in there?"
"That is a classic! That's coming back!"

*-- Sinbad, running from sniper fire

If it isn't already in your head on a loop...

Wed, 07 May 2008 17:23:12 GMT

Come on, kids! Sing along! And don't forget the harmony at the end of each line!

The Original

En Espanol, Por Favor

The Dance Remix

(Oh, if only all commercials would be like this. I'd never need a DVR.)

Storm of the century of the week.

Mon, 05 May 2008 19:59:02 GMT

Financial fact

From wet situation:

LA's not even

A Third-World nation

Myanmar-Shave

Sweet Jesus Christ.

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 09:19:22 GMT

Sweet Jesus Christ... the new Portishead album.

I repeat: Sweet Jesus Christ.

I mean, your girlfriend COULD give herself to you if you put this CD on... but it'd be some weird-ass sex.

(As opposed to weird ass sex.)

Also loving the Foxy Shazam album, the new Mercury Rev, and the latest RJD2.

(You people always ask for recommendations? I'm recommending.)

Sadly accurate.

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 02:07:39 GMT

Most of you do not need a graphic or test results to prove this, but I am apparently the most neurotic motherfucker to ever walk the face of the Earth.

My Personality


Neuroticism	99
Extraversion	20
Openness to Experience	65
Agreeableness	84
Conscientiousness	13

You are not generally self conscious about yourself, however you tend to lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. You are not prone to spells of energetic high spirits. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You dislike confrontations and are perfectly willing to compromise or to deny your own needs in order to get along with others, however you generally see others as selfish, devious, and sometimes potentially dangerous. You take your time when making decisions and will deliberate on all the possible consequences and alternatives.

Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report.

The best UGG Boots.

...

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 22:33:08 GMT

...*sigh*

So, I guess there's no point going into this again. You were all probably glued to CNN all day, just as I was. I thought we'd seen everything after September 11, but... well, I guess it's live and learn. Again.

Remember where you were when you heard the news, though, because future generations will ask about it... I just wish we could all come together as a people, just once, under good circumstances. Why do we always wait until something like this happens?

"Ernest Hemingway once wrote, 'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.' I agree with the second part." -- Morgan Freeman, Se7en

Writer's Block: Home Alone

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 06:07:22 GMT

What happened the first time you were left home alone as a child?

View other answers

NO! NO! GOD! NO! PASTOR!

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 05:14:11 GMT

test

On the day that she left, he died, but it did not show.

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 00:42:24 GMT

Ever feel like you just want to smoke the stickiest of the icky, put on your headphones, and listen to Neil Young's "The Loner" on a loop for hours, singing along with it at the top of your lungs the whole time?

...because that is the ONLY thing I feel like doing right now.

And so I shall.

(To all my estranged LJ friends, welcome back! I'll be posting some non-bullshit stuff soon, but not before I resume reading my flist. I learn! I get better! </manuel>)

Once she's been to where she's gone to, she should know wrong from right.

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 18:43:01 GMT

Okay, ladies...

Someone special to me posted this in her journal, and I answered, so I'll post it in mine:

If you were able to spend one night with me, what 5 things would you want to do?

(Don't worry... all comments will be private and seen by no one but me.)

Three Spitzers.

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 22:13:20 GMT

Who wins?

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/play.shtml?mea=229477

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=163844&title=shame-parade&tag=generic_tag_eliot_spitzer&itemId=110365

http://www.dailymotion.com/us/video/x4pc2c_bwe-sneak-peek-gov-spitzers-resigna_fun?from=rss

(I go with BWE.)

I lost the one who I let inside me.

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 23:16:50 GMT

Okay, enough ranting. Let's enjoy someone else's rant for a change.

See, I was all ready to try and remind you that the immigration debate is getting simultaneously nastier and more retarded by telling you a little story about what happened to a close friend of mine.

But then a bar near the University of Pittsburgh campus put this sign in their window:

Of course, I'm gonna tell you the story anyway. Because it's still instructive.

My friend is an aspiring pastry chef who works at one in a chain of bakeries. One day, a middle-aged soccer mom type came in and started wandering around through the different aisles. Eventually she marched up to the counter, where my friend is working, and tossed a dessert onto it.

"What is this?" she demanded, seemingly barely holding her anger in check.
"That's a tres leches cake, ma'am."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"It means 'three milks,' ma'am. It's made with three different kinds of milk."
"Then why doesn't it just say 'three milks'? Why isn't this in English?"
"Um. Because it's a Mexican dessert? That originated in Mexico?"
"That doesn't matter! This is America! This should be in English!"
"Ma'am, we also sell creme brulee. That's in French."
"That's different. I know what that means."
"OH. I see."

Whereupon the customer went to the "Ethnic Aisle," where all the foreign foods are actually gathered like a immingrant ghetto, and picked up half a dozen desserts from various countries, and plopped them all on the counter at once.

"I just want you to know I'm not buying any of these," she fumed.
"Then why would you bring them up here?"
"Because I want you to know I will never buy these. They're not in English." And then she stormed out.

We all know customers can be idiots. But here's the punchline: the store's in Florida.

Lower Florida.

Oh, and the owner of that bar finally changed his sign:

(Notice the non-apology line at the very bottom.)

The love bug crawls right back up and bites me. And I'm back! In love!

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 17:11:37 GMT

Yeah, I have a question... could everyone reporting the news and making the news and spinning the news in this country please stop prefacing every single explanation with the word "Look"? Seriously. I know this seems like a minor thing, but I've been noticing it for, oh, a year and a half, and it's snowballed to a point where it happens more often than a bad Family Guy flashback. Here's a fun drinking game: watch the major news networks for one day and do a shot every time someone says something like "Look, we have intelligence that Al Qaeda is planning another attack" or "Look, everyone knows that John McCain wants to keep us in Iraq." Then make a post about it. If you can.

Here's a random sampling of transcripts and the number of times the word "look," used as an intro, comes up:

Reliable Sources: 8
Lou Dobbs Tonight: 3
Real Time with Bill Maher: 5
Bill Moyers' Journal: 4
The last Democratic debate: 4
One Bill O'Reilly segment: 3

There are times when I would like someone to speak to me formally and with the voice of authority. It's bad enough that I can't get the news before noon without wading through an endless forest of chuckleheads pretending all 300 million of us are just sitting around the break room sharing our donuts. Really, you can just tell me what happened. I don't want to be your friend. I don't know you. Just tell me what blew up and who went on a kill-crazy rampage and then shoot me over to the weather guy. That would be fine. And stop saying "Look" before you explain the intricacies of the mortgage crisis or how Musharraf is clinging to power in Pakistan. I can figure it out. Promise. And if I can't, talking to me like we accidentally tapped bumpers is not gonna help.

I mean, have we at long last begun devolving into a nation of hillbillies? Talk up to me. Or at least across to me.

And I cried for all the others till the day was nearly through.

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 22:48:34 GMT

Oh! I forgot to mention the best thing that happened at the bar that night...

I got carded.

(Funny how that ruins your night when you're young, and makes it when you're old.)

Those who feel me near pull the blinds and change their minds.

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 01:07:19 GMT

So.

I'm torn between whinging about life, again, and just telling you something good that happened. The occurrence of the former always far outweighs the latter on this particular journal, however, so I'll just put this first part back here.

Some people consider me a lonely person, because I'm alone a lot, as if that were the same thing. But I've taken stock of myself a trillion times in a trillion different situations (I know, 'cause I counted), and I always come to the conclusion that I feel fine about that, thank you. I have felt lonely, but it's super rare. Usually when it happens, I tell whatever woman I'm speaking to. This does not always solve the problem. But it should.

All I'm saying here is... before Katrina, my entire circle of friends started disappearing to Atlanta for various reasons. And much of the remaining crowd left after the storm. I can't blame anyone for wanting to find more opportunity, and I don't need to get in a pissing match about the relative merits of New Orleans, Atlanta, Houston, Austin, what have you. I usually don't take it personally. My mother's generation left the rural areas they grew up in and came to the city, each and every one of them. At one point during my childhood, I had five aunts living on my street, and another three on the next two streets over. I understand what it's like... when you need to make a change, you hook up with friends who are already settled somewhere else. You use your connections. My aunts used their sister (my Mom), and my NOLA friends used a friend from Atlanta. I could have easily done the same thing. I can do this job from anywhere, which sometimes makes me glad I stayed, and sometimes makes me want to live somewhere else. (Probably not Atlanta, though. But that is for another day.)

My point! Oh yeah. I miss all the friends I used to have. I stayed because I happened to finally throw in with talented and responsible musicians and other people who could make the band thing happen. I made my choice, and I'm happy with it. I've made new friends, even, which is where the other part of this post is going. But I'm greedy. I want all my friends. Old and new. This Internet Age thing sucks ass -- I can make friends with the whole world instantly, I just can't actually DO anything with them. And it sucks. The interweb doesn't fill that gap. The phone doesn't fill that gap. Even traveling to meet these people and socialize doesn't fill that gap. I started to go completely crazy in my own skin, because I just retreated from everything. I want to come back out now -- I am coming back out as we speak -- but I'm now carrying a metric assload of insecurity and a crippling lack of self-confidence with me.

Yes. Worse than before. I know. Like I didn't already have a ton of issues.

I don't want the world to pass me by anymore. It got to the point where I was getting mad at the world for spinning. And that's crizzazy.

So anyway! That was the long and totally unnecessary preface to me saying I actually went out Friday night. (Of course it takes the better part of a week to get around to posting about it.) I went here, for the record:

And it was awesome! Awesome-0 4000, in fact. I got toe up from the floe up. I made about a dozen new friends, because as you know, I work fast. And I Supported Local Music, namely, People On The Side, who are all also in my band. (Consider my band the sort of Wu-Tang of this group, spinning off all sorts of satellites.) Of course, I hit on the lead singer's girl, but I didn't know that's who she was. And he later introduced me to her as a "musical genius," so that was a bit of all right. It's also fun to revisit the experience of getting in your truck at 2 am and realizing it's actually SIX am. Ha.

Bonus: The Bartender at Jabbajaws was at this bar, too. Just hanging out. Four years later, and he's still apologizing for me almost dying. Silly man. My problems are all homemade.

Going back out on the 21st to see the band again, at a different shitty bar. But then again, all that crap about the people who hang with being important, and the place you hang at being completely irrelevant? It's all true.

Someone to get up in the morning and rub my head.

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 19:14:40 GMT

Gary Gygax is dead.

But that's okay, because I want to cast Resurrection. Hey! Shut up! I want to cast Resurrection.

(Am I already the millionth person to make that joke today?)

Development deal? You can't be serious. I learned to rock mics with hands-on experience.

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 23:16:12 GMT

From Seventeen Magazine's 2008 Presidential Election Special ("The Cutest Candidates Talk to YOU!!!"):

John McCain

Campaign theme song
Nicknames: Maverick, Hotshot, Flyboy, Big Mac
Hobbies: Serving my country
Turn-ons: Blondes who look like little evil dolls!
Turn-offs: Rich boys and their cushy National Guard service
Favorite food: Vietnamese rat droppings. Some people think it's gross, but what can I say! It became a habit!
I wish I could be: the most popular guy at the Party
Quote: "I'm the kind of guy who talks straight. I'm very loyal, but I still insist on
being my own guy -- what you see is what you get. Who cares what other people think? I will never betray you just to get in bed with those lobbyists. And that's not necessarily a metaphor. I didn't do anything with that lobbyist, baby. Come on, sweetie. Don't be like that."

Hillary Clinton

Campaign theme song
Nicknames: Hillary Clinton, Missus Clinton, Madam Senator, That Horrible Rodham Girl
Hobbies: Learning how to laugh "spontaneously"
Turn-ons: Student Government types, Class Presidents, Political historians, or any guy going into civil service, really
Turn-offs: Other people
What would you do with a million dollars? Pantsuits, pantsuits, pantsuits!
What I'm looking for: A guy who keeps it in his pants! Am I right, ladies?
Quote: "Some people think I look like a bitch in this photo, but I disagree. I don't blame them, though... sadly, some people are just intimidated by a strong, intelligent, opinionated woman who will do anything, say anything, or betray any trust in her ruthless quest for the most powerful office in the land."

Mike Huckabee

Campaign theme song
Nicknames: The Huckster, Mikeabee, Huckleberry PoonHound
Hobbies: I don't know, just like, hanging out and shit
Turn-ons: ZEPPLIN!!!
Turn-offs: The man, always trying to crush my dreams
Craziest thing you've ever done: That weekend I went hoggin' in Hot Springs with Billy C. We're getting the fuck out of this shithole state one day, some kinda way.
Last book read: The Bible. That Jesus dude was so hardcore, they had to kill him, you know?
What I'm looking for: Kind bud, if I can get it, but swag is good
Quote: "There are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on. I can do that whole solo. I swear to God."

Barack Obama

Campaign theme song
Sign: Leo
Nicknames: Barry, Mr. "President," B. Rock tha Perpatrata, That Uppity You-Know-What
Hobbies: Working on raising my level of "blackness," whatever that might entail and/or require
Turn-ons: The funkiest, freshest, dopest legislation
Turn-offs: Wars. Certain wars. Unjust wars. I guess. It would depend on the circumstances.
Something people don't generally know about you: That would take too long!
What I'm looking for: Girl, you know what I'm looking for. You felt it that day at the rally. I love America, and that means I love all the girls in America. I won't push you, baby. Take your time. I know you're undecided, but I can wait as long as I need to. That's just what Barry's about, girl.
Quote: "The name's Obama, not Osama / I'ma stop the flow, insert a comma / You wanna step to me, best save your drama / Cause everybody knows that I'm the hard rhymer / Kick mad knowledge like the Dalai Lama / I'ma put your right wing ass in trauma / When you got polled I poled your mama / Cause i eat white meat like Jeffrey Dahmer / I'm a self made man, a legal scholar / I'm filthy rich but I can kick it blue collar / Here to save the almighty Dollar / Fresh tax breaks that make a nigga holler / I push hope, I don't push dope / Cause niggas be swingin at the end of a rope / Mother of two finds it hard to cope / The mortgage crisis is a slippery slope..." (37 more pages follow)

Down your street your crying is a well-known sound.

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 23:34:00 GMT

The takeover of American cuisine by Louisiana culture proceeds apace. MWAHAHAHAHAHA.

First, we gave you people and then and then and then and then and then and then .

And did you know the recipe for ~~Kracky~~Krispy Kreme came from a Lake Charles chef? Thank you, Jeopardy! (Although this does not explain why local Tastee Donuts suck the very ass in comparison.)

And now, you lucky bastards, you get to enjoy some of this...

...on your Subway sammich. (Which could use it.) And if you've ever trusted me on anything, trust me on this. Tony's is awesome. It really does go great on absolutely everything. And it kicks Mrs. Dash's ass up and down the block.

Now all we have to do is introduce you to the glory that is Hubig's Pies and Community Coffee and Blue Plate Mayonnaise and Raising Cane's and anything made by Crystal. Put down your processed suburban fast foods! You have nothing to lose but your ignorance. And you're better off getting fat this way than eating Arby's or some such horribility.

(URGENT NOTE: Boudreaux's Butt Paste, although from Louisiana, and available nationally, is not edible. Beware! Do not consume Boudreaux's Butt Paste.)

Damn my thoughts for you, do you really wanna fuck me?

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 20:46:39 GMT

One of the advantages in being at About.com is getting regular updates to the AP stylebook, such as this one:

black

Acceptable for a person of the black race. (Use Negro only in names of organizations or in quotations.) Do not use colored as a synonym. See colored, nationalities and races, and race entries.

So, no, it's not politically correctly necessary to say "African-American" all the time. Unless you're referring to Barack Obama, who is about as close to a textbook definition of "African-American" as you can get. The debate over how "black" he is, however, continues. Which I find ridiculous, because...

Wait just a goddamn minute.

Do not use colored as a synonym?!?

Has that been a problem lately? Is Strom Thurmond writing a weekly column in Hell?

I'll slow down the rhyme so they can understand I'm filled with so much anger and pain.

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 05:22:58 GMT

If the 2008 Presidential contest comes down to Obama and McCain, which looks more and more probable every day... is anyone else already getting a whiff of 1960 off this thing? Kennedy vs. Nixon? Youthful unproven idealist vs. crotchety old man desperate for the brass ring?

And then there's this:

(For the first time in twenty years, I'm proud of her hair.)